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Monday, January 18, 2010

If Brown wins

What happens if Scott Brown wins the Massachusetts senate seat on Tuesday?

Because there are a lot of folks holding their breath on this one. In fact, despite Obama’s recent speech on behalf of Coakley, I suspect there is a very real shockwave going through the Democrat leadership in Washington right now.

They will be frantic over this. After all, if Brown wins and isn’t held-up procedurally, he will vote against the health care bill. And that leaves a very big problem for the Reid, Pelosi gang: Who can they buy next?

Purchasing votes is in vogue – in case you haven’t heard. It’s apparently over the line to purchase a Senate seat – hence the trouble which caused Rob Blagojevich to be removed from office. However, it is not against the rules to purchase votes from the Senators who are already in office, otherwise we would not be so familiar with the name Mary Landrieu or Ben Nelson.

So, my bet is that, being the fine people they believe themselves to be, our cuddly lawmakers will be scrambling to come up with a viable contingency plan should that which has been blue, turns out to be Brown.

What would some of those likely plans be?

Well, here at the Jolly Rogers, we decided to set one of our research teams on the problem. These guys are the unflinching, stone-faced ones which have had their sense of humor surgically replaced by chips of obsidian. You know, rock apes.

“You want us to research what?” they asked, while tearing a sheet of titanium into small, evenly-sized pieces with their bare fingers.

Not to be intimidated by rock apes, but realizing it might require small, short sentences to get the point across, I said, “I want you to. Find out. What the Congress plans. To do if. Scott Brown. Is elected.”

“Why would we do that?” they asked while feeding pieces of what could be lawyers, but is probably chicken - to the alligators out back.

“Because I need to know – because enquiring minds want to know,” I said, gritting my teeth.

“What’s an enquiring mind?” replied the one on the right. At this, I shrugged.

“Anyone who isn’t Nancy Pelosi,” I said. The rock apes stare at each other blankly. The alligators stare up at them, imploringly.

“What’s a Nancypelosi?” asks the one on the left as he bench-presses a Toyota.

Anyway, you get the picture, dear reader? Here at the Jolly Rogers, research takes time. But it always pays off. Here for the first time in print, are the plans Congress has made if Scott Brown gets his new job:

First: Use the Massachusetts political infrastructure to prevent or delay certification of Brown by the Massachusetts Secretary of State. He said he’s got 10 days before he has to do anything, and the “health care gang” are going to try to get the bill out from behind closed doors before then. If they can’t, the Jolly Rogers team has discovered that the following secret plans have been put into play…

1) Go to CongressMart and buy a brand new, shiny Republican to jump ship and become a Democrat and vote for health care reform. It will only cost a little more than any normal American will make in their lifetime, and it will negate Brown’s vote against the legislation.

2) If CongressMart is closed, they will immediately proceed to plan B, which has already been set up – ie. delaying the swearing-in and seating of Brown.

3) If this screws up as badly as Coakley has screwed up in the past week, they will change the lock codes to the front door, and claim no one remembers them. It will take time for a SWAT team to burn their way in.

4) Meanwhile, Harry Reid and friends will quickly trot out whatever tuna-head plan they have put together and get a quick vote in which every Republican will say “Nay,” but it won’t matter, because there will be enough Democrat votes to pass it.

5) Then, because the front door is still being worked on by SWAT, Reid and Pelosi will rush up to the roof. Harry will "Karate-chop" them past security, and they will slip over to a protected spot, where Reid will pull back a tarp and Pelosi will strap into a hidden Russian Black-Sail ultra-light. (I know it seems improbable, but our sources say she’s really quite nimble despite all the Botox.)

6) The silent motor will propel her into the Washington night, clutching the heavy satchel containing the mysterious health care bill.

7) She’ll land on the rooftop of the White House where a special team of SEIU operatives will secure the document and carry it down to the President’s desk.

8) Obama will whip out the special pen he received as a gift from the British (you know - the one which was a really thoughtful gift – unlike the i-pod and speeches he gave to the Queen of England) – and with a Presidential flourish, sign the odious bill into law.

9) Robert Gibbs Blob will then gloat in a disgusting manner in front of the press corps, and the call will be made to set up the new “Death Panels.”

So that’s it.

Now that their secret plans have been outed in the final hours before Brown’s election, I suspect they won’t have time to come up with any new ones. Brown’s journey to the Senate should be safe and uneventful.

All Massachusetts voters have to do is get him there.

Do it. And all kidding aside - let’s take our country back.

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