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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A checklist for idiots

I once had a boss who was an idiot.

He was a butt-kissing, bend-the-way-the-wind-is-blowing, piece of platypus poop. When the chips were down, he was nowhere to be found. This was the kind of guy you just didn’t want to spend a lot of time around. So I went to Somalia – and it was much better there.

Because, in the bad places, things get simplified – it’s either right or it’s wrong, black or white, on or off. There are fewer gray areas. And unfortunately, in my career field at the time, there was nothing but gray areas and butt-kissers, like Willie.

But everyone has bosses like that at one point or another. Willie and his replicants are everywhere, and everyone sees and knows his clones for what they are. Live in the world long enough, and you can develop an eye, which can spot them immediately – and all the shades of infinite gray around them.

For those of you who haven’t been exposed to these types, however, all you need is a simple checklist. So here it is:


1) Does your boss on his first day, claim he is going to be the answer to all your woes – the new Sheriff, the big cheese, the guy with the answers? But somehow, they don’t strike you as the Patton type – or even the solution type? In fact, they seem more like some kind of pale, fat grub you find when you kick open a rotten log in the forest.

2) Does the new boss strut and preen and always need the last word? Are they loud and blustery but behind those pig-like, beady eyes there is nothing but insecurity?

3) Does the boss ask you to do – in their simpering way - unsavory jobs, then claim personal credit when there’s success? Do they hammer you – and allow the leadership above them to hammer you, when things fall flat?

4) Does the boss create new rules – then change them without telling anyone, and claim things have always been that way?

5) Does your boss make “group-decisions” behind closed doors? Do they try to spin things and exclaim, that “everyone is in agreement?”

6) Does your boss spend a lot of time on recreation, blowing in and out when they want, while everyone else is on-call?

7) Does your boss lounge around, while everyone else takes up the slack – then call the actions “delegating?” Do they always fail to roll their sleeves up?

8) Does your boss allow others to take the fall for his own inaction or poor choices?

9) Does your boss take every boondoggle offered them, couched under training or other terminology, when everyone knows they are just using company funds for fun and games and fancy trips and vacations?

10) Do they take vacations when no one else can? Do they have every holiday off with their family while you are working?

11) Does your boss claim to have advanced education, but can’t seem to think themselves out of a paper bag? Does the boss seem to have no common sense?

12) Does your boss use office politics to divide and isolate workers?

13) Does your boss seem to shut down and not listen to any alternative suggestions, while still claiming to have an open-door policy?

14) Does your boss lay claim to the hard decisions – but it always seems like those hard decisions affect everyone else but the boss? Slogans like “do more with less!” and “Quality Force!” spill from their lips as easy and continuous as all the rest of the lies.

15) Does your boss treat your family as insignificant, while requiring all his workers to afford him and his the utmost respect?

16) Does the boss surround themselves with fleshy yes-men who mouth bloated platitudes as if they have been chiseled somewhere on holy tablets?

17) Does the boss not keep their word?

With that checklist, it is possible now for you to go back to your every-day lives and identify the Willies in your workplace. But better than that, you can use the same checklist on our elected representatives – or our would-be elected representatives. Their names may not be Willie – unless they really, secretly are?

Just imagine how useful it would have been, if the alleged media had just run through this simple checklist during the last presidential election. Would we be in the mess we are now? Or better yet, what about we regular people apply our checklist to the media too? Find the Willies! Free Willie!

Is it any wonder why scumbags like Dodd are jumping ship? It’s always the fattest rats that leave the ship first. Scampering down the ropes, these creatures make for the docks where the shadows are deep and the wood warm and soft – and they can slip through the cracks and wait, until a safer ship happens by. Then they slip on board, and begin eating and pooping again.

The president’s job approval rating has crashed. Why is that? Is it possible that people think it might be ridiculous that he is attacking the intelligence services while dismantling the very networks and resources they depend on? Consider the Navy Seals who are receiving court martial on the charge of "assault." They are the premier "assault" force in the world, yet we are prosecuting them for assault on a terrorist - for doing their very jobs? That's pulling a Willie.

Is it possible that amidst the leadership's stupidity, the continuing escalation of government control and the threat of new draconian edicts, that people are making their own checklists similar to the one above? Is there a chance that common sense is finally getting a foothold?

I think of Willie now and can see clearly how he was a bigger slug than I ever really gave him credit for. I wonder where he is now – and who he is torturing with his mealy-mouthed words and ways – or if maybe he developed into a better person. Among his many great acts, he made sure I got sent to Somalia without ammunition for my rifle. The ammo I had to load at the staging area before we went in, would chamber, but was too hot for the barrel. Too many shots fired could have made the rifle inoperative or could have been fatal in one way or another. But, it was all I could get for some time.

Consider the Willies of the world. They are out there in force. They have names and positions like Chris Dodd, and they are presently slinking onto the docks, seeking hiding. They better run far, because when the tables turn, it’s going to be a completely different game – and instead of writing articles like this one, I will be urging folks to pursue and prosecute the architects of our current-day misery.

Free Willie, we are coming for you.

We are coming for you all.

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