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Sunday, August 30, 2009

Whack-jobs

Rationality is the subject of the day.
Why? Because so many reporters, lawyers and televised blogger types have been saturating the news shows with interesting talks, trying to connect the dots – trying to understand what kind of structure – or “machine” is being built, under the skin of our old republic. They’re basically trying to do my job, which if you look at the description of my alter-ego on twitter, you will find the words, “making sense out of nonsense.”

That’s what I do. No, don’t shower me with money or gratitude – it’s a gift and a curse.

So here it is, dear reader.

You’re no doubt wondering about the czars. All these people, beholden to no one, with unimaginable power and very little oversight – some with criminal records. Who are they? Why are they allowed in the positions they are? Glenn Beck spent a week of his show, trying simply to list relevant questions – without having many answers. His wrap-up on Friday, railed at the complexity and overwhelming reach of it all. He continually asked the biggest going question...

What is it all about? What are they building? Or said best by another Fox reporter, “What possible reason? What possible rationality would President Obama have – would his administration have – for changing so much, so fast?

Here’s a possible answer to it all – and remember, you heard it here first.

Everything makes sense if you remove the one factor from the equation, which everyone is assuming. Let’s take away the requirement for rationality and see where that gets us. Let’s take the positions that we got a basket of fruits and nuts making decisions in Washington.

If that is the case, we can take Glenn’s reasonable questions for unreasonable times – and answer every one. Like this:

1. Why do we need a civilian force? Because everything, everywhere, is a threat and you just don’t know when the peasantry is going to rise up with pitchforks and torches – and you never know when the unstable forces on Easter Island are going to invade, or your local police force might all be struck down by swine flu at the same moment all your traffic lights malfunction, necessitating citizen soldiers to take to the street to direct the safe routing of all our new gas-efficient clown cars.
2. Who is posing a threat to us – Everyone! Hasn’t the neighbor’s dog told you, yet?
3. Who will this force be made up of? A secret clone army being “grown” in vats on a distant planet with Barney Frank as the DNA source. The clones will be called Barney Boba Frett.
4. Who is the real enemy? Cigarettes and junk food. Haven’t you been paying attention? Oh and swastikas – Nancy Pelosi is stuck on those, and she apparently has other phobias too – like a fear of artificial grass.
5. Why won’t the media get off their butts and investigate? That’s because they are early Barney clone test runs. They have no butts. They left out the brains in those models too, so they just keep asking about the president’s dog and if he shot hoops today.
6. Why does the FCC have a diversity czar? Because the influx of Barney Clones into the civilian population after the Clone War would require that diversity be carefully observed so as not to narrow the gene pool.
7. Who is Mark Lloyd and how does he plan to balance the airwaves? Mark Lloyd is a fem-bot. See the last Jolly Rogers story. His wiring is defective like Pelosi’s, so he has no real plan, and everyone he asks just tells him to “go get them some coffee.” So he’s lost, totally. He figures secretly, he’ll just use the president’s “Easy” button (see previous article) and eliminate the airwaves and internet completely. That feels much easier than coming up with a plan.
8. Will he bring back the fairness doctrine or worse? He’s not sure what a doctrine is, but it sounds scary, so he thinks he’ll just try to bring back the Teddy Bear. Then everyone can hug their bear when the Mayan end of the world arrives in 2012.
9. Cass Sunstein once said he wants to balance the Internet; is that next. No. no. no. We’re just going to use the “Easy” button on that one.
10. Will broadcasters be allowed to jump from airwaves to internet without regulation? Of course not. There’s a new bill to regulate how many times a broadcaster can poop. You think we’re going to let them go willy-nilly, blabbing their hate speech everywhere? Nope. There’s even another bill to replace all the broadcasters with field mice and endangered minnows.
11. Is there any place where government won’t regulate free speech – yep. In space. Because according to an old Sigourney Weaver movie advertisement, “In space, no one can hear you scream.”
12. Why does it seem every member of the Obama advisory team hates capitalism? That’s because they are whacko, marxist fat cats. Simple.
13. What will be the definition of “public interest?” Well, it will be on a revolving schedule which will switch regularly between the following definitions:
a. A yummy fruit with a fizzy aftertaste.
b. A very big thing.
c. A very small thing.
d. A product of China.
e. A medicinal product, which should not be ingested, but only applied topically.
f. A bald monkey from Madagascar.

14. Who defines public interest? Gerbils.
15. Why should it be balanced? Because without balance, the gerbils can slip easily over into the dark side of the Force.
16. Who is surrounding the President in the White House? Geraniums and a few very nice tulips – oh, also another piece of vegetation called Joe Biden.
17. Do any of the President’s advisors have criminal records? Oh yeah, baby. All of them. But that stuff they found in their pockets wasn’t theirs – and besides, none of them inhaled.
18. Are the President’s advisors working to improve the country based on their ideals? No. It’s all been based on a tag Obama found inside one of his flashy sport-coats. It read “Inspected by #12.”
19. Who are the anti-capitalists in Washington? It’s the Gerbils, but they’re working on replacing them with those endangered minnows, so it’s really all going to be OK.
20. What roles do they have in crafting bills? It’s all Gerbil-work. That’s why no one can read it.
21. What was STORM? Stupid Tomato-can Opening Rats and Monkeys. They’ve replaced them all with minnows.
22. What qualifications does one need to become a Presidential Advisor? You must breathe air or water and be able to repeat the word “astroturf.”
23. Does the president know the co-founder of the Weather Underground is a board member? Sure! He wanted a weatherman close, so he’d know whether to pack an umbrella.
24. How many people in the administration are connected to the movement for a democratic society? two. No five. Wait, the Gerbils are saying 9 trillion.
25. What role does George Soros play? He tried to get the lead in the new Kojak remake coming out, but they shelved the project.
26. Our unfunded liability for Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid is close to $100 trillion. Is there any way to pay for these programs without bankrupting America? Sure. Our financial system is going to be based on rat shit. With all the gerbils in the government, we should be able to collect mountains of that.
27. We are in so much debt, why spend more borrowed money? Why not? Let’s all go to the mall together!
28. How does giving billions of dollars to ACORN stimulate the economy? It doesn’t! But the rats in ACORN can really do some shopping, now!
29. If it was so important for Congress to pass the Stimulus without reading it, why has only a small portion of it been spent? Because, to them, passing the bill was “stimulating” and besides, if we spend too much of it all at once, there will be no money left for ACORN and the new Barney Frank clone army.
30. Bush said he had to abandon the free market to save it – how does that work? Well, it’s like a waterlogged life preserver. If you take it off, you will go right to the bottom of the ocean and be squeezed to the size of a teacup, but the life preserver will make it.
31. Why won’t members of Congress read the bills before passing them. Takes too long, and it’s a real bummer.
32. Why are citizens mocked and laughed at? Because it’s fun.
33. Was cash for clunkers meant to save the Earth or the economy – neither. It was meant to destroy cars. There’s something so hypnotizing about watching the compactors.
34. How did Van Jones – an avowed communist become an advisor to the President? Well, he said he wasn’t busy on Tuesday nights, except for the bowling league thing, so he was a shoe-in. Besides he’s got a cool name – Van Jones is kind of like Vin Diesel.
35. Apollo Alliance claimed credit for writing the stimulus bill – but it was really the Gerbils. But Apollo sounds cool too – like the moon landings or something.
36. If politicians aren’t writing or reading the bills, do they have any idea what they are imposing on the American people – No. And they don’t give a shit either.
37. If the public option health care plan is so good, why don’t the politicians use it on their families? Because they don’t have to. Besides, the new health care bill has a food supplement written into it which is allegedly made from plankton – they’re calling it Soylent Green. Yep, darn tasty too. But, they don’t want to get their families hooked on the stuff.
38. If town hall meetings are meant for politicians to learn what is on our minds, why do they spend so much time talking? Because they’re all hopped up on energy drinks, and can’t help themselves.
39. Politicians are claiming the town halls are scripted so they shouldn’t have to go. Try to use that one when you’re told you’re deploying to Iraq or Afghanistan, and see where that gets you.
40. Why would you want to overwhelm the system – because it’s fun! You get to see all the peasantry running this way and that, and it’s amusing!
41. Is using the economic crisis to rush stuff through – what Emanuel meant by “not letting a crisis go to waste?” Yep. yep. and double yep. Got to keep those peasants jumping.
42. What are the czars paid? In gold bullion, but the Gerbils are thinking of changing that to beef or chicken bouillon cubes. Just easier that way.

So folks, there you have it. It all makes perfect sense if you remove all sense from it. Life is like that some times. With whack-job events you simply must come to the conclusion that either good people are constantly screwing up – or the good people are really just whack-jobs that look like good people.

Just saying.

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