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Sunday, August 23, 2009

THE RESULTS - The Jolly Rogers Polls

Who needs Rasmussen Polls and all those other focus group guys when you’ve got instant world-access to the Jolly Rogers.

Yep. The day is finally here! Our first run of Jolly Rogers Polls, have closed and they really reveal a lot about the state of the country and the people who are walking our streets. But most importantly, they describe exactly what people think of President Obama, the whole health care reform issue and how people view the media.

Lastly, we can now assign blame for the nation’s budgetary problems beyond any doubt. This is due to the massive numbers of people we’ve been able to get involved in our poll. I believe it was somewhere between 10 and 20 – no need to be overly specific.

Consulting with an expert panel to develop the most relevant set of questions was difficult, so I didn’t bother. I picked them off the top of my head and wrote them down quickly with as many useful answers for choices as I could think of. I didn’t even do a spell check.

So here we go:

1. Based upon the general hero-worship surrounding Barrack Obama, and his subsequent dips in the approval ratings of those OTHER less-precise pollsters, I decided the number one question we needed answered was whether the President and his administration were doing a good job.
Results: Out of 13 people who voted, only one person thought Obama has his stuff together. I was rooting for him, too. Bummer.

2. We really need to know if Universal Health Care is a good idea. I don’t want to influence the totally objective results i have gathered with this poll, but I think the whole idea sucks.
Results: Out of 12 voters, four said they thought the present legislation on the table wasn’t the solution, but that something needed to be done. Eight of the people polled said they thought the whole thing should be scrapped – permanently.

3. With all the horrible media-bias claims being made by members of the media (does that sound like a fish swallowing it’s tail?), I thought it necessary to ask the question “Do you believe what you hear in the media?” But, the answers to this were more complex I felt, so here are the complete results:

a. 0 – Oh yeah baby, they are all the most honest folks on the planet.
b. 0 – Yeah, but only 50 percent of the time.
c. 2 – Only 20 percent of their babbling is the truth.
d. 0 – Only CNN tells the truth.
e. 0 – Only MSNBC speaks truthfully.
f. 0 – Fox is my only source, I trust them implicitly.
g. 3 – I only trust the Jolly Rogers (You just can’t make this stuff up!)
h. 0 – I believe my bartender. (Good for you, people!)
i. 0 – I only believe my local newspaper. (Also good for you!)
j. 2 – I get my news and orders from my neighbor’s dog. (OK. Didn’t see that one coming. Yeah, but the dog told me he gets the information from the local squirrels – so what does that mean for you now?)
k. 3 – I live in my own world. I believe no news sources. (This I believe.)

4. The most complicated question of all is how our nation got into this big financial mess. We all love to know who to blame. So here’s your big chance to know. This simply is information your neighbor’s dog doesn’t have. Our nation’s budgetary problems and tits-up economy are due to:

a. 0 – President Obama (Man, I bet he feels relieved when he hears this).
b. 0 – President Bush (They’re tied! Weird).
c. 0 – Dick Cheney (really weird).
d. 5 – An unholy cabal of government shadow organizations, the industrial complex and scary international conglomerates. (This is just because I used big words on this one).
e. 0 – Glenn Beck (I had to throw this one in just in case. It’s one thing to talk to the neighbor’s dog, but quite another to believe a radio and TV personality destroyed the economy).
f. 1 – Evil bankers and corporate bad-guys.
g. 4 – Barney Frank (He does look guilty – besides, the squirrels told me he is).
h. 1 – Nancy Pelosi (Nah, she just looks guilty. That’s because she’s an alien wearing a Nancy skin suit).
i. 1 – The Fed. (Come on, people! Talk to the damn squirrels, will you!)
j. 0 – Aliens. (This caught me off guard. I expect at least one UFO nut in every poll from now on. Someone brief the dog on the new requirement).
k. 0 – The Knights Templar. (Bummer, thought I had a best-selling book idea there for a moment or two).
l. 1 – Coincidental collapse of the housing market followed by everything else as it was all crushed and compacted under the weight of the economic levels above – a basic house of cards – no one’s fault at all. (Whoever voted on this one, needs to get out there with the dog and squirrels. At least they’re willing to play the blame game).

Like the cartoons used to say, that’s it folks. Someone call Presidents Obama and Bush and tell them they’re both off the hook for the financial thing, but while you got the “O” on the line, you might want to let him in on the results of question one. Not too good.

Not good at all.

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