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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Stare at some goats - do it now!

I haven’t watched the news on television for some time. I haven’t listened to the latest smears and jeers by a boyish, imbecile president. I haven’t watched Al Sharpton claim everyone who isn’t him is racist. I haven’t watched the latest celebrities claiming everyone should ride bikes and wear sandals or wooden clogs – and squeeze our own milk out of cow tits because plastic and factories are killing the planet.

No wait. It’s cow farts, isn’t it? So, we should stop drinking milk because that has too much fat and probably salt – and eat the cow – but not all at once, because that’s too much red meat in our diet. Or something.

No, I just haven’t watched any of that crap. I haven’t listened to it on the radio – and if I see a photo of someone distasteful on the internet, I very calmly click off of the link and look at something peaceful and meaningless – like the slowly scrolling lines of Twitter – or a movie, like Men Who Stare at Goats.

In fact, it is during this movie that I realized what an interesting world this would be if we had Jedi Knights. These guys would be able to see into the future and know we are heading for a fall similar to the one expected by 14th century explorers – blip; off the end of the flat Earth.  Monty Python had some cartoons to that effect as well – and it would look just like that in the mind of the Jedi.

Jedi Knights would be able to see into the hearts and minds of our elected officials and know who was a bad guy – unless he was really bad, like that Sith Lord dude in George Lucas’ films. Then they wouldn’t know, but they could band together and kick his ass – or have their kids kick his ass. Yeah, it would be great.

Jedi Knights could also stroll around in those cool robes, looking regal and somehow, above it all – like Obama if he was a Supreme Court Justice, instead of a Supreme Being. Jedi dudes could stride purposefully around the White House, looking purposeful and stuff. And they could do kind, considerate things, like speak to the gathered angry crowds in soothing, lofty voices – like Obama, if he actually did that – and if he wasn’t an arrogant pimple.

Jedi Knights would be able to use their mind tricks to make Biden look smart and cultured. They would also be able to levitate him – which would be cool, although I don’t know why.

The Jedi would be able to use their minds to influence the biased, rat-bastard news media, and have them report the news instead of interpret it through some plastic, botox injected, hairplug ridden, boob enhanced, bleach-blonde who can read, or was once a lawyer who learned how to read.

The Jedi Knights would be able to whip out their light-saber thingies and carve irritating people into small smoking bits while giving significant looks to the rest of the nearby miscreants. Terrorists would be eliminated almost immediately, although unions would for the most part, hang in there – as we saw with Jabba The Hut – or Pizza The Hut, depending on which version of the movie you saw.

Yep, everything would be so much better with Jedi dudes. No Obamanator, no Pelosi Skin Walker, no Barney the bend-over dinosaur, no evil ACORN creatures or ACLU zombies lurching about, no brainwashed school teachers and second-hand brainwashed kids, no prosecutions of our nation’s heroes, no drug problems, immigration issues, financial meltdowns – and no environmental concerns, because we could move all the environmentalists to that planet with the Ewoks, where all those nature-lovers would be cooked in big Ewok pots until they were nice and crunchy.

There would be no traffic jams, because we could just fly around the jackass in the Fed Ex truck. There would be no starvation or disease, because the Jedi would see that coming easy, and divert the appropriate relief efforts long before things required Sean Penn to get dickheads like Chavez to send cruise ships for relief workers. In fact, small-time dictators like Chavez and smoochy admirers like Penn, would be carved up into bouillon cubes by multi-colored light-sabers, for use in Ewok stew. It would be a very festive process and produce a hot export for a booming economy – and no one would be sick, unless they got really old on some swamp planet exile, like Yoda – or Yogurt – again, depending on the version you watched. But no sickness would mean no need for universal health care, new-age Hollywood diets or Richard Simmons – oops, too late.  Way too late on that last one.

Yeah, basically life would be grand.

But I, dear reader, would live on a distant moon, where the television signals were still rolling in episodes of the Honeymooners, I love Lucy or Gilligan’s Island – because this whole fight the Dark Side thing, sucks tremendously. And having to watch it every friggin’ day on the tube and not be able to do a thing about it – well, that sucks too.

Makes you want to stare at some goats. Because if you can drop one of those suckers just by using the Force, we’re in business.

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