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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Don't Jump.


After the idiots voted in Congress to pass the unknowable health care bill in all its’ amazingly horrifying glory, I was concerned that the sun would come up on the bloated corpses of folks who had decided not to wait for the death panels, and just leap from the nearest bridge now.

There’s a problem with that plan – actually several, which I will attempt to outline here.

You might think – well, the trouble with that plan is that you’d be breakfast for birds and stray cats, and you’d be right. While the sudden deceleration would solve your worries, cure your sleeping problem, and reduce the screaming your television has to endure, jumping does in fact mean you are likely very dead.  No not the fake, BS kind of dead – like the promises of alleged threats being received by members of Congress.

But one of the big problems is that the whole Health Care package is an awfully big ass to try and cover with both hands. Subsequently, I would expect the following weeks to show increasing troubles with a fairly unpopular piece of legislation. You can’t win ‘em all – and indeed this bill is about as “perfectly clear” as a peat bog or a tar pit. The failures will be many and very varied. It will become a thorn in the side of not just the regular people, but also the folks who did it to us.

Are you one of the brilliant porch bulbs who believe this new law is just an extension of your illumination? Pull your head out. We needed some repairs to the system, we didn’t need the government to decide on its’ own to screw us whenever and however it liked – even though that’s what they’re the best at.

So making the leap due to the combined the dirty work of Pelosi, Obama, all the rest of the president’s cookie-squad - the self-serving, insulting skin-bags filled with farts – hardly makes any sense. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I fear this footwear is being worn by a government, resembling a fat, North African centipede. Did you know those critters were poisonous and stealthy and cold, and liked dark places despite their brightly colored worm-like bodies? Sound like a description of those in our capitol? There’s a reason for that.

No, all of these reasons against jumping from the bridge are good, sound reasons, but they are trumped by the grand-daddy of all reasons: In order to jump from the Obama bridge, you have to make the assumption that somehow the starting point is high up there, in the clouds where such high-flying morality and lofty ideas exist. The assumption is as full of hot air as the Pelosi fart bag. The real reason you can’t jump, is that the Obama bridge is below ground level already. In fact, it doesn’t bridge anything. It’s just a hard spot somewhere underneath all the muck.

The only question left is this: Is the hard surface close enough that we won’t sink like dinosaurs and disappear in the bubbling tar.

If so, we’ll make some great museum exhibits for the intelligent descendants of our English Bulldogs.

“Here,” they will say with sweeping gestures of their stubby little arms, “is the remains of Human Republicus and Human Stupidus, preserved in the dark depths of this sticky, gooey place.”

The small Bulldog children will “ooh and ahh,” their jowls flapping against the acrylic windows of the exhibit.

“And here is a completely different species,” will say that docent of the far-future. “This is what we’ve tentatively termed Governmentus Spinelessimus. We are generally of the opinion that this species caused the death of the entire civilization, despite what the global warming scientists are saying.”

Yeah, don’t jump. In this case to get anywhere, you actually have to climb out of the muck.

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